AMBLESIDE C.E. PRIMARY SCHOOL
"JOKE
PAGE"
Do you know a good joke we could put here.
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A man goes to the doctor. He's got a carrot in one ear, a stick of celery in the other and a piece of cucumber up his nose.
"So," says the doctor, "how can I help you?"
And the man says, "Doctor, I don't feel too good."
And the doctor looks at him and says......
"Well, it looks like you're not eating properly!"
Why don't dalmatians like playing hide and seek ?
Because they always get spotted !
"SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE ABOUT BUTTER?"
Go on then...
I'D BETTER NOT, YOU'LL SPREAD IT!
(Submitted by Louise)
Customer: Waiter Waiter, this bowl has a hole in it!
Waiter: You did say you wanted leek soup.
(Submitted by Felix)
Why did the tiger lose the race?
Because the other guy was a terrible cheetah!!!
What has three wheels and travel along the bottom of Lake Windermere at 30 mph?
A motor pike and side carp!
What do sheep call their friends?
Pen Pals!
Who burped at the big bad wolf?
Little rude riding hood.
What do you get if you call 666?
A policeman walking on his head.
What illness do pilots get?
Flu. (Flew - Get it?)
Man: I Feel like a pair of curtains.
Docter: Pull yourself together man! Its not that bad!
Patient: Docter Docter I've got terrible wind. What can I do?
Docter: Fly a kite!
What do you call a cat that's eaten a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss!!
Person: Doctor, doctor. I feel like a pack of playing cards!
Doctor: Get in the queue son. I'll deal with you later!
What's the coolest bear?
A koala bear - (Cooala - Get it?)
What's Godzilla's favourite food ?
Fish and ships!
Man: Waiter, waiter there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Don't worry the spider on your bread roll will eat it.
What do you get if you cross a duck with a sailor?
Sir Francis Drake!
What's black, highly dangerous and lives in a tree?
A crow with a machine gun.
Why are there no tablets in the jungle?
Because the paracetamol - (The parrots eat them all - Get it?)
What is the easiest way to see flying saucers?
Trip up a waiter!
Why are cooks so mean?
Because they beat the eggs, whip the cream and batter the fish!!!!!!!!!
Q. What do you call a flower that does not like you?
A. Anenome!!! - (An enemy - Get it?)
(Submitted by Rebecca)
There were two baby dinosaurs playing chase in a field and suddenly a fierce dinosaur started chasing them, so they hid in a bush and one said,
"What was he called?"
The other one replied,
"I dont know but Doyouthinkhesaurus!!!"
(Submitted by Alben)
Patient: Docter, Docter. I feel like a bridge!
Docter: What came over you?
Patient: 50 cars,30 lories and 3 buses!
(Submitted by James)
What is a witch's version of the world wide web?
The World Witch Web!
Nothing suceeds like a squirrel without teeth! (sucks seeds! - Get it?)
(From Zoe Yr 4)
What did the bee say to the flower?
Hello Honey!
(Submitted by Sabrina & Jessie)
Patient: Doctor, doctor I only have 59 seconds to live!
Doctor: I'll see you in a minute.
Q. What do you call a drunk cavey?
A. A Guiness Pig!
(From Peter in Year 6)
Can you say a bottle of beer without moving your lips?
GUINESS!! - (try it)
(From James in Year 6)
Boy: What football team do you support?
Girl: None. But my legs support me!
(By Jade in Year 4)
Q. What is green and goes up and down?
A. Agooseberry in a lift.
Q. Who wrote the breakfast cook book?
A. CHRIS P. BACON.
There were 10 cats in the boat, 1 jumped out. How many are left?
NONE - because they were all copy cats!
(Submitted by Amalina)
Q. What's black and white and red all over?
A. A newspaper.
(Submitted by Robert)
Q. - What is green and goes camping?
A. - A boy sprout!
by Jamie (Cheshire)
What's yellow and stupid?
Thick custard!
(Submitted by James)
What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
Wet!!!
What's round and dangerous?
A vicious circle!!!!!!!!!!
Why did the one handed man cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because there were no chickens invented
Boy: Dad there is an invisible man at the the door.
Dad: Well tell him I can"t see him!
(Submitted by Simon)
What did the traffic light say to the lorry?
Don't look I'm changing!
Why didn't the skeleton jump off the diving board?
Because he had no guts.
(Supplied by Henry)
What's black & white and makes a lot of noise?
A zebra playing a drumkit!
What does a pirate ship and Debenhams have in common?
They both have a big sale!
(Supplied by Jess and Georgia)
Why did HenryVIII have so many wives?
He liked to chop and change?
(Supplied by Iain)
Patient: Doctor, Everyone seems to be ignoring me.
Doctor: Next please!
Dad: I got a bar of chocolate for your Mum.
Boy: That was a good swap!
What is green and brown and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
Answer: A pool table!
NEWS ANNOUNCEMENT!
There was a fight in the fish shop last night.
Two fish got battered.
(St. Charles Primary, Tudhoe)
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
"Doyouthinkhesaurus"
(Ben)
CUSTOMER: "Waiter, Waiter There is a fly in my soup! - What's it doing there!"
WAITER - "The backstoke, I think Sir!"
What do you get if you cross a football team with an Ice Cream?
ASTON VANILLA!
(from Laura at Dovelands Primary)
Why did the gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!
What do you call a man with his legs chopped off up to his knees?
Neil!
Which fish always sleeps?
A kipper!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud!
What do you call a road with lions down the middle?
A mane road!
(From John Gill)
A Hamburger walks in to a cafe and asks for an orange juice.
But the barman says we dont serve food here!
(From Justine Bamber)
Knock Knock who's there? - Bernardette.
Bernardette who? Bernardettemyburger.
(From Holly Sutton)
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Who?
No need to cry about it!
Q. What is big, green and eats rocks?
A. A big, green rock eater!
(From Tony Hine)
This Is A News Anouncement:
"A lorry carrying a shipment of wigs has been lost on the M6."
"The police are combing the area!"
(From Tony Hine)
Knock knock
who's there?
Hutch
hutch who?
Bless you!
knock knock
who's there?
who
who who?
Is there an owl in the house?
Waiter, Waiter. I've got a bone in my throat.
Are you choking sir ?
No I'm serious!
Q.What do you call a lady stood in the middle of a tennis court?
A. Annette
Q. What do you call a man covered all over in brown paper bags?
A.Russell!!
Q. If there are 3 teddy bears in an Airing Cupboard - Which one is the soldier?
A. The one on the tank!
Q. Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A. Because there were no chickens in those days!
Q. Why did the elephant take a pencil to bed?
A. Because it wanted to draw the curtains!
Have you heard the joke about the pencil?
No!
There's no point to it!
Q. What do you get if you cross a Zebra and a pig?
A. Stripy sausages!
Q. Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A. To get to the body shop!
Q. What do you get if you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. Hot cross bunnies!
Q. How do you start a teddy race?
A. Ready, Teddy, GO!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tish
Tish who?
Bless you!
Why does the school bully have his name on everything he owns?
Because he is such a LOSER!
Q. Why are telephone wires so high up?
A. To keep up the conversation!
Q. What type of dog can tell you the time?
A. A WATCHDOG!
Q. What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A. You're too young to smoke!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
A mosquito!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
A no
A no who?
Another mosquito!!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yeti
Yeti who?
Yet another mosquito!!!
Q. What do you call a man with a puffin on his head?
A. Cliff!
Q. What noise do bees make when they fly backwards?
A. ZZUB ZZUB
Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
A. He had no body to go with!
Q. What's yellow and green with spots all over?
A. A monster with measles!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Police
Police who?
POLICE - Stick your hands up and face the wall!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivor
Ivor who?
Ivor open this door and let me in, or I'll climb in through the window!
Do you know a good joke we could put here?